Helping Others stuck in the Mud Puddles of Life.
Know anyone stuck in a mudpuddle? Could it be you that finds yourself stuck in a mud puddle with no viable solution for getting out of it? Years ago, I was with a group of men attempting to come up with reasons why women tend to be so much better at helping others heal emotionally, and move forward from daunting challenges effectively, versus men. One of the men came up with a mud puddle metaphor that painted a picture that has served me well ever since. So well, that it has become part of my natural character as I’ve become more aware of the people that surround me.
I need to paint a picture in your mind that you’ll be able to refer to at any given time. So, here’s the gist of the metaphor. Picture a 1 foot deep by 30 yards in diameter puddle of soupy mud. Now, picture a person sitting smack dab in the middle with a look of sadness on their face. As you’re walking by the mud puddle, you glance over and see this person in the middle and recognize them as a friend of yours. You pause for a second to analyze that they are seemingly unaware that it’s a little weird to be sitting in mud and that any normal person wouldn’t be doing that. You feel compelled to help them. Here’s what plays out next.
If you’re a man, it’s likely that you take great pride in being able to fix things that are broken, and you’ve learned that the first step in fixin’ things is to take some form of action. So, you call out to them “Hey (the universal way of getting someone’s attention), are you okay?” No response. You call out with your second strategy “Hey, do you need some help?” Nothing. Now your day has been interrupted dealing with this silly friend sitting in the middle of a large pool of mud, so you get a little more aggressive saying “Hey, why don’t you stand up and come over here and we can talk about what’s troubling you and then I’ll fix it.” Your friend doesn’t move and just stares off into the distance with a forlorn look on their face.
As a man, your patience is wearing thin at this point, and you move to the next phase of fixin’ things…the threat. “Look, if you don’t stand up and come out of that mud puddle right now, I’m apt to come in there and yank you out.” All men know that threats like this are destined for failure, but that doesn’t stop us from tossing them out there just to make sure. Now the realization begins to form in our mind that we’ve crossed the line of being able to back out and pretend we never saw them, and we might actually have to physically enter this horrible mud puddle to fix what’s probably just a minor problem. Grrrrr! We toss one last feeble threat is hopes they’ll feel sorry for us and come to their senses by standing up and coming over to where we’re standing saying “I’m not kidding. If you don’t come over here right now, I’m coming in there to drag you out.” Still, nothing but crickets. Not even an acknowledgement that you’re trying to help. Double Grrrrr!
It’s at this point a man takes off his shoes and socks, rolls up his pant legs over his knees, marches to the center of the mud puddle, picks up his friend who’s resisting, carries them out to the clean dry area outside the mud puddle, sets them down and says “There, now what’s the problem?” The man hasn’t fixed anything. All he’s done is amplify whatever brought the sadness on in the first place.
If you’re a woman and you’re walking by the mud puddle, you glance over and see this person in the middle and recognize them as a friend of yours, you’re immediately filled with compassion and concern leaping into the mud puddle, run to your friend, sit in the mud right next to them, and say nothing…knowing that they’ll speak first when their ready and that together you’ll find a path of healing through, or out of, whatever is causing the pain or sadness.
Early in my marriage, I took great pride in being a pretty good problem solver, believing that I could fix just about anything. My wonderful wife helped me see things from a new perspective and I’m grateful she did. When she was about to share a concern of hers with me, she would preface what she was about to say with “I don’t want you to solve it for me, I just want you to listen.” Admittedly, that was a really hard lesson for me to tackle, but it was a giant leap in my becoming a better listener. As time has passed, I’ve grown to become the person that upon seeing someone sad will immediately be filled with compassion and concern leaping into the mud puddle, sitting next to them, and waiting patiently for them to share with me whenever they’re ready.
In order to make the metaphor memorable and usable in each of your lives, I utilized the men vs. women to make a point you can remember forever. The truth is, there’s a wide spectrum in the way all of us humans approach solving problems, listening to others, and attempting to help our friends. The group of men I mentioned at the beginning had a good laugh poking fun at the way most of us approached “fixin’ stuff,” especially the emotional stuff. In our mud puddle metaphor discussion, we kept referencing a book written back in the early 90’s “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” As I wrote this, I looked it up on Amazon and saw only one quote from the book which said, “Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished.” Yup…if anyone needs me, you’ll find me out in the middle of the mud puddle listening closely and silently fixin’ stuff. Hey…I Believe In YOU! GiddyUp!