What are you committed to?
Paul White's nationally distributed syndicated column, “What are you committed to?” is published in 22 publications across seven states. This includes the following newspapers and digital publications: Midland Daily News (MI), SFGate (CA), Seattle PI (WA), Connecticut Post (CT), Laredo Morning Times (TX), Huron Daily Tribune (MI), The Telegraph (IL), and more. In this article, Paul shares a discussion he had with a group regarding commitment and his thought process that grew his perspective on what it means to commit in the most important areas of your life.
A friend of mine, who’s a pastor, was sharing some data that led to some deep discussion, which then led to a really deep thought process of my own that grew my perspective on things. I wanted to share that thought process today so you may consider it when defining some of the most important areas of your life.
A group of us were talking about marriage and some of the traditions associated with weddings. We landed on what’s commonly referred to as “the unity candle” part of the ceremony that had become so popular. When I searched the internet and followed the first option at the top, it defined the “unity candle ceremony” as when a couple each take a lit candle and simultaneously light what is known as the “unity candle.” This symbolizes their joining together as a family, while maintaining their individuality. None of us present would have described it that way because we all thought the unity candle simply symbolized “two becoming one” and this is precisely where it began to interesting.
Our pastor friend had performed hundreds of weddings and shared that early on couples would take two candles, light the unity candle and then blow the two they were holding out, thus symbolizing that two had become one. This also symbolized that, moving forward, what had been united on that wedding day would never be separated (until death do us part).
As time went by and culture changed, the pastor noted that many couples said they didn’t want to blow the original two candles out, preferring to leave them lit. This change symbolized to them that they were about to share many parts of their life but parts of their life that were unique to them would continue a solo pursuit in spite of being married. Our discussion ended up referring to this as “conditional unity.” The pastor shared he witnessed a significantly higher rate of divorce and relationship failure with couples that entered into the marriage with conditional unity of having three lit candles versus those that blew the two candles out and accepted that they now were committed to two becoming one.
Typically, two people are committing every part of their mind and heart to the simple meaning of “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part” when they commit to the two most critical words in their entire life – “I do.” So, I’m asking how can two simple words like I do be defined in so many different ways? I do is supposed to define a lifetime commitment that’s unconditional, but if the going gets tough a lot of people get going away from their original commitment. They default to that conditional unity and proclaim that they were really only saying I do to better, richer, in health, for as long as all is going well for both of us.
I would never suggest that someone should remain in a toxic relationship where they may be at risk of physical or emotional harm. I’m trying to point out is that many in our current culture may have lost the ability to hold themselves to any type of commitment if the going gets tough. We’ve made it really easy to say we’re committed to something with no real intention of staying true to that commitment.
While I began this article examining the commitment made when two people say “I do” on their wedding day, I’m curious about the other things in a person's life that they say “I do” to and if it’s a conditional commitment. Things like being a parent, their place of employment, taking care of aging parents, being part of a faith community, supporting community causes and organizations, responsibly consuming alcohol and legal drugs, responsible financial life management, truth, integrity, morality and caring for our fellow human beings without judgement.
Guilty? Yeah, me too! But it was mostly with how I perceived things prior to getting married. When I said the words “I do,” suddenly someone else’s life became more important than mine. My greatest joy was in making sure her joy came before mine. I was committed to the commitment. Same thing happened each time we had a child. I found myself to be “all in” and “totally committed” to that new child whose life was so much more important than mine.
I took a hard look at what else I was committed to in my life and how “being committed” could bring me joy. While I was pursuing joy through commitment, I noticed many others experiencing sadness in areas of their life they hadn’t fully committed to. In some cases, they were happy that they hadn’t fully committed noting how things ended up. What they failed to realize is that their lack of commitment was really a life strategy based on “playing not to lose” rather than “playing to win” by fully committing their all in everything they do and in every area of their life.
Am I perfect? Not even close. In fact, if we played a game of “one better” regarding imperfection, I would win. Let’s face it, being totally committed to anything is really hard! But I keep trying every day to be committed to the things I feel are most important in life: my family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, employer, community, country, world, environment, safety, love, compassion, support, encouragement, faith, hope, curiosity, lifelong learning, and by the way, you who are reading this. I’m committed to you and to offering you new perspectives based on lessons I’ve learned so far in life.
So, here’s the big ask: What are you committed to in life? What have you been willing to say “I do” to? What might you be willing to say “I do” to in the future? Remember, no one else in the world is just like you; if you think about it, history remembers people based on the things they were committed to during their time here on earth. You can learn a lot about yourself if you make a list of the things you’re currently committed to.
Next, make a list of things you desire, or are willing, to be committed to. Are the lists different? How do these lists define who you really are? Do others define you by your commitments? These questions are all part of a deep thought process that can lead to improving your life tools for success. You’re worth honestly answering the questions and allowing the answers to help develop a strategy that allows you to experience all the joy that commitment can bring to your life. I believe in you! Today, right now, is the time to commit and GiddyUp!
In addition to being a nationally syndicated columnist, Paul White is an author, motivational and inspirational speaker, entrepreneur, podcaster, and life coach located in Midland, Michigan. He offers self-help and culture development to start your journey towards consistent growth and joy. If you’re interested in getting in touch with Paul, please submit an inquiry via our Contact Page.