The Power of Pretending…If that’s what it takes!
Paul White's nationally distributed syndicated column, “The Power of Pretending…If that’s what it takes!” is published in 22 publications across seven states. This includes the following newspapers and digital publications: Midland Daily News (MI), SFGate (CA), Seattle PI (WA), Connecticut Post (CT), Laredo Morning Times (TX), Huron Daily Tribune (MI), The Telegraph (IL), and more. In this week's article, Paul encourages you utilize the power of pretending as a positive force for ongoing support.
When you watch how people come together after a disaster strikes, you can’t help but be deeply moved. Instantly, race doesn’t matter. Who you voted for in the last election doesn’t matter. Whether you pursue religion, and if so, which one. Whether you’re LGBTQ+, whether you’re poor or wealthy, mean or nice, homeless, unemployed or gainfully employed, abled or disabled, skinny, fat, injured, dealing with mental health struggles, bald, short, tall, or anything else…none of that matters one bit. All that matters is that a disaster happened and you’re hurting. That’s what touches something deep inside all of us to want to help each other. So, if our society works so well after a disaster strikes, why can’t it continue after the main impact of the disaster is in the past?
This same thing seems to happen when someone loses a loved one. It appears that we’re really good at swooping in with compassion, caring, and love at that critical time right after a loved one dies. It may be in person, with a phone call, or a written expression. We may even attend the funeral service if one is offered. However, after immediately comforting someone we care enough about to reach out to at their time of great sorrow, we tend to shortly thereafter go right back to our busy lives having parked that persons ongoing grief in the “already expressed that I cared” mental category.
It’s often that I dream, wishing each of us had an internal notification device that reminded us to reach out to someone we know that experienced a recent loss at least once a month for the first year after their loss. It’s been too often that I’ve witnessed incredible support for the 1-2 weeks following a tragedy in someone’s life, and then everyone immediately returning to the busyness of their own life with the grief of the one who experienced the tragedy just beginning to sink in. It’s saddening to think that when someone needs help and support navigating “life after a tragedy or death of a loved one” that friends and family are mentally and emotionally distant or remote having already moved through their own grief and ambivalent to the person who’s still struggling. What to do… well, keep reading.
I love the analogy that a person I greatly admire shared one day regarding helping people we care about. He asked me to imagine a 50 foot in diameter mud puddle about 2 foot deep in the center. The mud puddle represents disappointment, discouragement, doubt, depression, despair, and grief for anyone inside of its ring. You come upon it one day and, looking in, you see a friend of yours seated and stuck in the middle. If you’re a man, here’s how you approach the situation: from the edge you call out to your friend and ask what the matter is. They don’t respond so you employ the second strategy of trying to coax them out. After all, it’s mud and the last you wanted to do today was get mud on your shoes and clothes. That doesn’t work. You then become exasperated, trek 25 feet into the center of the mud puddle and try to convince them to walk out. That only makes matters worse and they won’t budge. You finally become bound and determined to solve this dilemma so you reach down and pick them up and carry them out of the mud puddle believing that you’ve solved the problem. Problem is, you only made matters worse. If you’re a woman, here’s how you approach the situation: you run as quickly as you can through the mud to the center where you immediately sit directly next to your friend in silence not budging until they do first. Can it really be that simple? I believe it can. Please don’t get hung up on the gender references of the analogy. I suppose the basis of it came from the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.”
Whether we’re in the middle of a disaster or we’ve just experienced a great loss, it’s most comforting to be surrounded by people that care that are doing their best to help us. Sometimes that means just being present for someone and maybe just listening without attempting to solve anything. So, I need to circle back around to the title of this article that suggests there’s power in Pretending. I came to the conclusion that there is when I thought deeply about how quickly we can provide help temporarily, and then go right back on with own life in the snap of a finger. Why can’t we re-enter that emotionally supportive state we were in when the tragedy first happened? I think we can. I believe that we could all utilize the power of pretending as a positive force for ongoing support.
If you pretended that a friend or family member was still stuck in the middle of that mud puddle, would you be willing once again to run into it and sit next to them? If our community experienced a disaster over a year ago, would you still be willing to offer support to those that continue to experience the negative impact from the disaster? If our country was in trouble, could you carve out some of our personal time to help with the things we’re best suited to help with? Does there HAVE to be a death or disaster to trigger your support for others? If you answered yes, then why don’t you just pretend? We need you and the uniqueness of all you have to offer to the rest of us on this here earth right now. If it takes pretending, then use pretending as one of your super-powers. It would help most if right now you made a list of 5 people you know that experienced a death or tragedy in the last 2 years. Run into their mud puddle (call them) and just sit next to them. It won’t be awkward when they know you care. So Please…DO IT! Hey…I Believe In YOU! GiddyUp!
Paul White is a guest columnist and author. Purchase his life-changing book “The Answer Discovery – How to Change the World by Helping Others…and Ourselves” at http://bit.ly/PaulWhiteAmazon. If you’re interested in getting in touch with Paul, please submit an inquiry via our Contact Page.